I woke up that morning early and knew something wasn’t right. I was dizzy with a hot sweat running from my head to my toes. I ran to the bathroom sick. I checked my temperature, but no fever.
My mouth froze open in disbelief with my hand clasped over it. Tears streaming down my face. I could barely breath after those 8 letters appeared. “Oh God thank you…oh God thank you!” I kept gasping it over and over again. I was in our home all by myself when I learned there was a life inside of me for the first time. Joy washed over me in waves. It was no longer “if,” it was “when.”
I called your dad half way across the world on a mission trip. “No way,” he kept repeating in excitement. We laughed and cried together, and in the silence between our words, we both knew the other was smiling from ear to ear… we are going to be parents!
Oh, we are so full of joy over your life. But those first few months were not easy, little one. My body had a hard time adjusting to all the changes that came with you growing inside me. The nausea and sickness lasted all day every day for close to three months straight. There were countless times I had to pull over into parking lots and lean out the side of my door because I forgot to bring a bag with me. Around the 9-week mark, when my body was becoming fatigued due to my inability to keep anything down, your dad drove me to the hospital in the middle of the night where I received IV fluids for a couple of days to gain my strength back. We were worried you weren’t getting enough nutrition because of my dehydration, but the doctors assured us, you were healthy and still growing strong taking all that you needed from me! I guess God was teaching me, even then, how much of a sacrifice motherhood will be.
Then there was the time I was by myself at a conference for the weekend. I could barely get out of bed to leave. I asked the concierge for help carrying my bags down, but no one came, so I lugged everything out with me and asked for a trash bag from the desk before I left so I could have it if I needed it during my drive back home.
Or the time I felt like I had enough energy to pick up take-out food for dinner, so I made an order online. But before I could leave the house, my lunch and afternoon snack all came up. I had to call and cancel my order. I felt so defeated that day. Your dad wasn’t home from work yet, and all I could do was lie on the couch and wonder if I would ever feel better again.
Amidst the misery, I have been surrounded by constant prayers and encouragement from family and friends. And your dad… oh man your dad! I’m so proud of the ways he’s already cared for you by caring for me. You don’t know it yet, but you have a strong, supportive, and loving father that is so ready to wrap you up in his arms. One day soon, you’ll be laughing so hard at all of his jokes. You just wait!
Everyone kept telling me it would get better, and though it seemed like forever… it finally has!! Our energy is now being spent towards preparing a place for you. We have walked around baby stores asking tons of questions about safety, brands, and features of all the various baby equipment. We have already spent hours reading instructions to make sure we put together your stroller safely and securely. When your car seat arrived, we stood over it for about 30 minutes just imagining you in it and even practiced buckling and unbuckling all the little straps.
You are already a part of our family. We talk about you day and night. We shop for your first little belongings, we dream about your future, we picture having you in our arms everywhere we go, we read with fascination about how all of your body parts are forming more and more every day, we feel your first little arm punches and leg kicks, and we revel in the mystery of hearing your heartbeat over the ultrasound. You are already so loved, little one. Over these next several months, we will continue to await your arrival with great anticipation.