What Matters in a Spouse

Ladies, do you have a long list of qualities you desire in a spouse? I did. I think all girls probably do, or did at some point. I want to talk a little bit about the qualities that were on my list, and how they changed the closer I came to marriage.

Here is my honest list (as embarrassing as they might be) of the qualities that I wanted in my future husband:

1. Attractive
2. Fun to be around
3. Funny but also serious at times
4. Adventurous but not too crazy
5. Spontaneous but realistic
6. Spiritual leader
7. Good listener
8. Athletic
9. Outgoing but not too talkative
10. Good smile
11. Preferably tall
12. Likes to do the same things as me
13. Smart
14. Quiet
15. Not a bum

I know some of these are funny and seem a bit silly, but it’s true, this was my “list.”

Now, the more seriously I considered marriage, the smaller my list became. Not because I settled, but because I grew to learn what really mattered.

Here is my smaller list of the actual qualities I saw in my husband as we were getting to know each other:

1. Handsome
2. Sense of humor
3. Follower of God
4. Hard working
5. Kind hearted

Some of these are the same as above and some are different. The point is, I was asking the wrong question. Before, I was asking: “What will make me happy in a man?” I made a list of all the qualities I dreamed of having in a husband- the qualities I thought I needed to be happy.

After I met Jordan and started seriously considering marriage, I asked myself, “What are the things that truly matter in a husband?” So, I shortened my list to 5 of the things that I thought would be most important in the long run. Here’s a breakdown of my list and why they mattered:

1. Handsome- Jordan was handsome and attractive to me both on the inside and the outside.
2. Sense of humor- I knew I would always enjoy being around him and spending time with him because he could make me laugh like no one else could.
3. Follower of God- On my first list, I had the term “spiritual leader” down, but honestly I didn’t even know what that meant. So I changed my list to “Follower of God,” because Jordan followed God’s will for his life, and I knew He would set an example for me in that way.
4. Hard working- Before, I had “not a bum” because I just knew I didn’t want someone who had the tendency to be lazy. Jordan not only is “not a bum,” but he is the hardest working person I have ever met.
5. Kind hearted- Jordan always did kind, simple things while we were dating like always open the doors, care for other people, listen when I needed to talk, drive to me instead of me to him, etc. He did them in a way that was genuine rather than “trying too hard.” He didn’t have to try, because it was just who he was.

Jordan possessed the things that truly mattered. He didn’t match every single quality on my “ideal husband” list, but his character is what was important.

So ladies, your list may have 100 things or it may have 5 things, but look for the things in a man that are on the inside above the things on the outside. It’s not bad to make a list, but don’t look for the perfect person who checks every box. Look for the person with true character that will last a lifetime. Surface qualities can and will change, be learned, or go away.

How does he not only tell you, but show you how he loves both God and you?

Here are some important questions to ask yourself when getting to know someone:

1. Does he challenge me in areas where I’m weak?
2. Does he have qualities I lack that I admire in him?
3. Does he have a genuine love for people?
4. Does he take action rather than being passive?
5. Does he tell the whole truth, not hiding anything?
6. Does he get angry easily?
7. Is he responsible?
8. Is he dependable?
9. What are his priorities?
10. How does he deal with conflict?
11. In what areas of his life does he think of and care for others?
12. Does he accept others without judging?
13. What is his work ethic like?
14. What are his strengths and weaknesses?
15. How does he handle finances?

And my favorite,

16. If you were blind, would you be able to see him as beautiful, purely based on what’s on the inside rather than the outside? Would he be able to do the same for you?

Who else had a list like me and how did that list stay the same or change over time? I’d love to hear! 🙂